What the fuck … is up. Ima be honest. I’ve been struggling. It’s gotten to the point where I just want to crawl on top of my roof with a loud speaker and declare that I am an imposter, a failure. That I can’t figure myself out. I can’t change my bad habits, and I can’t stop judging and isolating myself. That I don’t deserve anything good in my life. That I have no idea why my bf likes me or why my family tolerates me. That I’m not worthy of my dreams. That I care too much what people think and that I GIVE UP.
I’ve been ending up in my head too much lately. I’ve literally been my own prisoner, and no I haven’t developed Stockholm Syndrome. I hate it here. I hate when I end up isolating myself, thinking it will help because I don’t like myself enough to be around other people. Trapping myself in this feedback loop where nothing I’m feeling is necessary. Where bad habits feed off of me like a parasite. Where I end up wrongfully thinking my problems are unique and not embedded in all of us — like I’m special or something. Like the entire full spectrum of humanity can’t relate to me.
Seriously rolling my eyes.
It’s fucking gross.
To be honest, I remember being a kid and my sister and mom being depressed, and I thought, “Huh, is that me too? I guess it is.” I mean that just made sense to me. I share their genes. But as doctors started pushing long term medication on me, something felt off. I was like, “No fuck this, I’m not going to take a pill every day. I don’t need it.” It didn’t seem sustainable. For some reason, in my head, the idea of depression is a more suitable mental issue than anxiety. Which is fucked up because they usually coexist. But, I don’t know. In my head, depression isn’t annoying. I can better understand it I guess. The idea of anxiety however, I’ve always viewed as annoying. Because it is! You know there is no adequate reason for it and yet it just sits there. So when I look at is from an objective standpoint, I’m like … can you please just shut up?
However, I think that because of that I end up discrediting my feelings sometimes. Like I don’t deserve to feel sad or anxious. Which, is true to an extent. There is so much shit happening in the world, that my pretty little privileged life can’t even compare to. Which in a way pisses me off more. Because I have so much excess in my life compared to others that again, if I look at it objectively, I should have no issue flourishing and making the most out of it. Yet here I am struggling. It just pisses me off.
So I think I discredit how I feel quite often, and then I end up coping in unhealthy ways. And it sucks because I don’t want to complain. Like how can I complain? I’m so blessed. It kinda makes sense though that I would discredit how I feel, because I sometimes find myself doing that with others in my head. I’m ashamed to say it honestly. But I do think I have this dismissive avoidant attachment within my relationships sometimes. Where it’s almost like I can be too harsh. I don’t know if I was taught that through manipulation in past relationships, and so I built up this defense or what.
I don’t feel that way towards my best friends, or my family, or my bf. I don’t know. I’m hella confused. Maybe I just do care too much, which is why I keep my circle small.
It’s funny though. Like it’s this cycle I find myself in sometimes where I get so self conscious or anxious that I have no choice but to make a fool of myself so that I can be free. I think that’s why some people think I’m so light. They think I’m bubbly, and it’s like… I’m only this way because I hit rock bottom and had to come back up. I know I sound crazy. Whatever.
I think that’s why getting drunk can be beneficial sometimes. It’s like, here drink this and allow yourself to be dumb for a bit. Just don’t go overboard. I know there are healthier ways to cope, but.
Like, okay. For some reason on Friday — well, I know why — I was in a frenzy. I was on alert and unnecessary anxious. Which is weird because I didn’t think that particular shit mattered to me anymore. I thought I had worked through all of the bad memories, but they all resurfaced, and I lost out on a lot of sleep. Which made me feel even more insane.
It’s just weird because our brains can’t differentiate danger when we are anxious. Having this anxiety bubble up started spreading itself over everything. I didn’t go to the gym for three days because of it. Yesterday I worked out at the house because I was, like oddly not good enough to be out in the world. Like I didn’t belong here or wasn’t worthy enough to take up space.
Again, I know I sound crazy.
Jordan Peterson (get off my back) kinda goes through this during Rule #2 of his book. He talks about how statistically speaking, many people who are given medication don’t take it. How they’re more likely to make sure their dog takes prescribed medication before themselves. And he meditates on why that would be by walking us readers through the first story of the bible. The story in Genesis of how Eve ate from the Tree of Knowledge of Good and Evil, the repercussions both her and Adam faced separately as well as together. How they were both self conscious and ashamed. How they understood that they were naked and hid. As he walks through this story, he comes to this conclusion at the end …
“And so we return to our original query: Why would someone buy prescription medication for his dog, and then so carefully administer it, when he would not do the same for himself? Now you have the answer, derived from one of the foundational texts of mankind. Why should anyone take care of anything as naked, ugly, ashamed, frightened, worthless, cowardly, resentful, defensive and accusatory as a descendant of Adam? Even if that thing, that being, is him himself?
All of the reasons we have discussed so far for taking a dim view of humanity are applicable to others, as much as to the self. They’re generalizations about human nature; nothing more specific. Buy you know so much more about yourself. You’re bad enough, as other people know you. But only you know the full range of your secret transgressions, insufficiencies and inadequacies. No one is more familiar than you with all the ways your mind and body are flawed. No one has more reason to hold you in contempt, to see you as pathetic — and by withholding something that might do you good, you can punish yourself for all of your failings. A dog, a harmless, innocent, unselfconscious dog, is clearly more deserving.” p. 53
Obviously, it doesn’t just end there. Jordan Peterson is too smart for that. But, oh, I don’t know. I read that, and I once again felt relief because it just made sense. It makes sense out of something I can’t comprehend through something that’s been passed down for generations — the bible. Like maybe I’m not crazy. Maybe I just have trouble coping sometimes.
Anyway, last night finally got some good sleep, due to some adequate sleep hygiene (aka a cbd bath bomb, harry potter being read to me on spotify, the legs up the wall yoga pose that brings your heart rate down, and journaling how I felt) and I woke up and was like you know what? FUCK IT. I can’t even care anymore. It just takes too much energy. It’s so pointless.
I mean, I was still anxious about the gym, but I went anyway, and you kow it’s funny… because every time I end up going to the gym feeling anxious about it, I end up having a great workout and doing random new stuff. Like you think I would play it safe, but nope. I end up making small talk with people and trying new ab routines on the suspension trainer.
It’s almost like I’m just so OVER MYSELF that I’m like fuck it, I don’t give a single fuck. Everyone can watch me if they want to, I’m tired of hiding. But you know, I feel like that’s kinda fucked up as well. In a small way, it reminds me of how sometimes before people commit suicide, they attempt all these random dare devil things. Almost like, why not try it if you know whats coming, if you’ve already made up your mind for the future.
Sorry, that’s dark.
Anyway, believe it or not I am about to tie this to my Yale course. Yesterday, I was watching some lectures and the professor started talking about the Default Brain Network in the brain. Basically, there are these parts of the brain that automatically switch on whenever we stop doing a task. They can literally come on within a fraction of a second, and this happens every time we get even a little bit distracted. In fact, our brains are in the network 47% of the time. Which makes sense from an energetic standpoint apparently. What’s even crazier is that the areas of our brain that light up when we’re in default mode are the same areas that light up when we think about the past, the future, or other people. For example, what whoever said to us at the party or what we think Sally thinks about us. So in essence, the default brain network takes us out of the current moment. Which as research has told us, makes us unhappy.
The thing is, there was this study done where they took expert meditators vs a control group, and when they watched their brains they saw that not only were the expert meditators not in the default mode during meditation, but the effects carried over into the rest of the day.
I’ve been meditating for about three years, usually 15 minutes in the morning. But to be honest, I had forgotten WHY I was meditating. Like, I forgot that I started doing it because I was trying to rewire my brain. It’s just nice to be reminded that there is scientific evidence for it.
It’s so beneficial too. Like there is nothing more annoying than when you want to concentrate and you just can’t. And especially when we’re stuck in this day and age where everything is a distraction. Where liminal moments are filled with checking IG or twitter. Where Google is at our fingertips.
I mean trying to capture the fucking moment is taking us OUT OF THE MOMENT.
I’m just glad to have a concrete reminder of why it’s important to meditate. So often we forget that the most important things, are those that can’t be seen. This lecture also talked about how sex is one of the only activities where our default network doesn’t click on, which makes sense because that’s definitely an in the moment activity. Hm, it’s interesting to think about that. To think about people I know who have had sexual addictions — it’s likely they were just trying to escape their own ruminating mind. Much like me and the gym — because despite what I think is going to happen when I arrive, I always end up tuning the world out. My default brain network is never engaged at the gym, especially when I’m lifting weights, which takes much more mental skill than simply walking on a treadmill. I guess that correlates back to flow state. Why people love surfing, or playing music. Those are activities where you’re forced to be fully present.
This week’s lectures also talked about social connection, and how even tiny interactions can boost our happiness. Which is funny, because again, I think this is something we all instinctually know. I mean just the other day, when I was feeling ridiculously sad, I went to WholeFoods to try and lift my spirits. I was so fucking stuck in my head, and then the cashier complimented my hair and made small talk with me. It’s insane how much that boosted my mood. It’s almost like, I was so busy being mean to myself that I forgot others could be nice. How fucked up is that?
Even today though, after gratefully getting some good sleep, I found myself seeking out those small interactions. I talked to the cashier at Publix, I asked this dude at the gym to help me lift my bar, I talked to another girl about the Jacob’s Ladder machine I used for cardio. I even continued a conversation about my core routine with this girl I had talked to last week.
These small little moments really added up. The world wasn’t so scary.
Yesterday on Instagram I saw this quote that went something like —
“We have two options in life:
You can try to make people feel like they don’t belong,
or you can make them feel like they do.”
Something about that really stood out to me as I fell asleep last night. Anyway, go talk to strangers and learn how to truly focus and control your mind. It’s worth the effort, even if it doesn’t have necessarily visual results.
It’s fucking key.
Also, if anyone wants to pay for my therapy, be my guest.
Bless.
Missy June 22, 2020
I like how you end this on a happy note.