Where to start?
Let’s talk about cliches. We hear them our entire life, but when they actually hit home — it makes all the difference. I guess it really just goes hand in hand with one of the main topics of my mind: knowledge versus wisdom. When you read a cliche, you know it’s true, but when something happens and it is actually applied to your life, there’s this whole new deeper meaning to it.
I’ve been going through my usual phases. At this current moment, I feel pretty good. I don’t feel the crippling loneliness that overcomes me at times. But a couple of weeks ago, I felt that deep lonely feeling just eating away at me, and I realized for what felt like the first time in my life — that it couldn’t be fixed by another human. It’s the the type of loneliness that other people can’t fix.
Last summer I came to the strangest thought regarding having children. I was thinking about my mom’s dad and how he is getting older, and I thought to myself, “Well at least she will have us when he dies.” And then I kinda thought to myself, “What if that’s why people have children? Because they don’t want to be alone when their parents die?”
It makes sense in some strange way. I know that for many people, family doesn’t mean much. But even so, it can be this feeling of security in some way. Even if your family isn’t there for you when you need them, there is something about the fact that you share blood with them that seems to be a comforting feeling.
But ever since then, I’ve kinda been thinking about why people have children. I’ve noticed that a lot of people seem to want children so that they can slow down. It’s like they want a reason to stop partying because they can’t seem to have the self-control necessary themselves.
They need a purpose. Because purpose is the only true antidote to loneliness.
(Children, God, your fitness goals, that promotion, your desire to move. All these different values people have. We’re all worshiping something at the end of the day. Purpose, “your God,” what you’re worshiping — these are all the same thing. Phew.)
You guys know how much I love Jordan Peterson. One of his main takeaways is to pursue what is meaningful. To aim at the highest possible good and act in accordance, because what you aim at determines what you see. Meaning, purpose — they’re the same thing. It seems so simple, but we all know it isn’t.
To really live your life in such a way means that you “forgo expediency.” It almost seems cliche because once again it is something we all know. We all know we should live our lives in such a way, but few of us actually do the small daily things that turn that knowledge into wisdom through experience.
There’s this other wonderful book I recently read called The Untethered Soul. In it they talk about how people are lonely, so they end up falling in love and getting married. But how that’s just a bandaid for the problem. Because what happens if that person leaves? Or dies? The loneliness just comes right back.
“You’ll marry the person who makes you feel less lonely, and you’ll think that’s normal. But it’s exactly the same as the person who is avoiding the pain of the thorn instead of taking it out. You have not removed the root of loneliness. You have only attempted to protect yourself from feeling it. Should someone die or leave you, the loneliness would again disturb you. The problem will be back the moment the external situation fails to protect you from what’s inside.” p. 84 The Untethered Soul
It’s funny. (Isn’t it always?). Even in relationships where I’ve been insanely in love, I’ve still had that little lonely feeling sitting on my shoulder. Because eventually that honeymoon stage ends, and the relationship transforms — less attention is paid. I’s just normal. Waves start to happen, and those waves can be hard to navigate. Especially without proper communication.
When me and my ex broke up, I started writing my Interoception course for my internship with the Center for Nutritional Psychology. I didn’t feel lonely because I was deeply involved in something I felt passionately about. When I came to the editing phase and things slowed down however, I did feel a deep sense of loneliness.
I felt needy, and I didn’t like it. I’ve noticed that when I’m not doing things I am proud of — things that have meaning — I am needier because I need someone to validate me. Only having another human validate me never seems to work. It’s that same bandaid just temporarily covering up the real issue.
And the thing is, pursuing what is meaningful doesn’t have to be this huge one thing that you work on. It can be every little thing that you do. That’s what it means to aim at the highest good. It’s not just the big things — it’s not just finding a cause you care about. It’s also the little things. Like showing up for work with a good attitude, forgoing the cake and tequila just because it’s there. Even the tiny things can have a deep, intrinsic meaning.
Which brings me to my last little thought — on dopamine. Over the summer, I had this little revelation on mindset. I learned during my internship that dopamine isn’t just released when we get a reward, it is released in anticipation of a reward.
Dr. Andrew Huberman can back me up here. I highly recommend this episode of his podcast.
I find this interesting because people assign rewards to different things. For example, say you have a piece of cake in front of you. You can eat the cake, and get a dopamine hit. Obviously.
Or you can change the way you perceive the situation, and by doing so you can intrinsically create a more sustainable hit of dopamine. Instead of seeing the cake as the reward, you can choose to not eat the cake and receive an intrinsic plethora of rewards — you can see your self discipline as the reward. Or your overall health.
And if you look at it like that, then you literally change the way your brain is working. That’s why mindset and the way you think about things matters so much — because dopamine is a highly subjective matter. That’s why changing the way you look at things can actually change your life. Another cliche.
I think dopamine is something we all struggle with these days. I think as a society, we are actually controlled by it. That cup of coffee during the middle of the day, the ding of an Instagram notification, a compliment from a stranger — we literally thrive on these little rewards. But what do these little external rewards really do for us? They just leave us wanting more. We are never satisfied because all of these surface things can’t fix the actual issue.
We’re never actually going to be satisfied by all these little rewards that are outside of us. It’s only from changing the way we perceive things to be intrinsic that we can truly ever be satisfied.
It’s hedonic happiness versus eudaimonic happiness. Hedonic happiness is achieved through experiences of pleasure and enjoyment, while eudaimonic happiness is achieved through experiences of meaning and purpose. Eudaimonic well-being touches on the subjective experiences associated with living a life of virtue in pursuit of human excellence.
It’s also weird because, well life is so easy these days. We have so much at our fingertips that we have never had before. We can get everything delivered to our house with the push of a button.
I think with technology, things have progressed faster than we have evolved. Our brain doesn’t know what to do with all of the options we have. With all of the modern amenities and “digital connection” we have, we don’t know how to self-regulate. We’re just controlled by the dopamine hits.
And with all of this technology, we’ve lost what it means to work for things. And when you don’t have to work for something, the meaning of it is lost. There’s no purpose to be found in things that are too easy.
It’s no wonder we are all so lonely. It’s no wonder I keep hearing about the “loneliness pandemic.” It’s because no one is working for anything anymore. People aren’t living their lives like they matter. They have no purpose.
The fact that dopamine is released in anticipation of a reward makes a lot of sense, esp in the form of addictions. I think that’s also why for many people, just the idea of something is enough. Which is terrifying to me. I don’t want just the idea of the things I’m aiming for to be enough. I don’t only this vision of my highest self to be enough. I want to be sure that I am actually doing the tiny things day to day that propel me in that direction.
Let’s take social media — it’s literally just an idea of who we are. I can post my workouts and everyone can go, “Oh Chelsea, that girl works out. That girl pays attention to her health.” Which is true. But I’ve also suffered from extreme issues with bulimia back in the day. And at the time, my instagram still portrayed me as this extremely healthy individual.
I just don’t want the idea of something to be enough. I want to actually touch all of the things I am aiming for. I don’t want to put a pretty bandaid on everything and consider who I could be. I want to actually be her. I don’t want to cover up my loneliness with other people. I want to eradicate it completely by assigning and developing purpose throughout my life experience.