When I was a freshman back at the University of West FL, I started out being a psychology major. However, as doubt crept in and I realized the depth of my own issues, I began to wonder how I would ever be able to help others if I couldn’t even help myself. It was because of that fear that I ended up going through a few majors — all within the realm of communication. I was trying to pick something I felt would be a good look for me, rather than something I was drawn to. What I realize now that I didn’t realize then is that we don’t pick our interests. They pick us, often times through personal experience.
I finally convinced myself that I cared about advertising, but the whole time I was going through the motions, I couldn’t help but feel incredibly disappointed. I was excelling in my classes, but all I could think about was how the last thing I wanted to do was sell things to people that they didn’t need. Advertising seemed like this band-aid to the real issues of society — “Here, buy this. Then you’ll be happy.” When I found myself in New Orleans a few years after graduation doing social media management, I felt this gaping hole of unfulfillment. For the two years I was in Louisiana, I spent much of my time trying to find an avenue where I could pursue work that was meaningful to me. I looked into so many programs, and did extensive research only to get completely discouraged. It was a nightmare and I felt completely trapped.
Perhaps what drew me to psychology in the first place is the fact that ever since I was a kid, I have suffered from my own battles which manifested themselves into various issues — the most prominent of them being an eating disorder. Partly because of this, my parents sent me to a Pentecostal program called Teen Challenge for my senior year of high school. The catch of this “school” was that in order to graduate, you had to give a testimony of how the church had saved your life. I honestly gave the organized religion of this boarding school a fair shot, but by my tenth month there, I just didn’t feel any different. I remember going to counseling and getting nowhere because everything felt so fake to me — propped up by a set of ideals that I just couldn’t grasp, and hadn’t even grown up with. There was no trust in the relationship with my counselor and I, and therefore a lack of transformative change in my depression and the symptoms of such.
It took me ten years to recover from my eating disorder, but what I have come to realize is that the foundation of my recovery came through my relationships with others. It took me getting close to people to understand what Peter Levine meant when he said, “Trauma is not what happens to us, but what we hold inside in absence of an empathetic witness.” Although it was a slow process, I have come to understand that as humans, although we may need no one single person, we do need everyone.
This became conspicuous to me when I went to a retreat in Peru back in March 2020. I had heard so many positive stories from people who had experienced an Ayahuasca ceremony. There are countless occasions, and even clinical studies about the use of psychedelics in treating anxiety, depression, PTSD — even eating disorders. I won’t get into my experience with the plant medicine, because although that would seem like the star of the show, I don’t think it was. Instead, it was the relationships I made with the other people there throughout our time together. Holding group counseling sessions before and after the ceremonies, and talking to the psychologists and doctors there beforehand opened me up in a way I never expected. I was amazed at how much connection I felt to others, and how much of a sacred and safe space it created for me to work through my problems. For me, the main benefit of the retreat was the protocol.
I came back from that trip different. Over the course of a few months, my eating disorder completely dissolved (although I credit this more to years of hard inner work). I also fell deeply in love, and although we aren’t together anymore, he was a catalyst for the love that was already inside of me. He helped me because he offered that same safe space. All of this strengthened what I already knew internally — that change happens within a safe relationship with another. It is unfortunate that many people do not get that opportunity. There are a lot of lonely people in this world, stuck in their heads, believing false stories about who they are. I believe counseling is a profound way for people to get that connection and trust they need in order to work through their problems and take responsibility for what they can.
What I have found through my relationships with others, has helped me heal. I realize now how isolating our issues are. We think we are alone in things, and we become hyper critical of ourselves when in reality there is oftentimes a neurological basis that is behind why we are the way we are. When we start to understand that, and connect with others through trusting relationships, I think we can take the self-blaming, guilt and shame out of the equation and instead meet each other where we are at. I believe intrinsically that the direction of the world depends on us all as individuals. I know that may seem idealistic of me, but if I can help contribute to that, and if I can help to alleviate some of the unnecessary suffering that humans deal with — well, that would be worth it to me. I don’t expect this vocation to be easy, and I don’t think that I will be the “right” counselor for everyone. Yet if I could hold space for someone and we could come together, both telling each other the truth — I know I could contribute to making sustainable changes in someone’s life.
I have recently completed an internship with the Center for Nutritional Psychology, the focus of which was Interoception. Most people are unaware of what Interoception is, or what it means to have Interoceptive Awareness, although the research behind it is growing at a fast and steady rate. Interoception is the sense that tells us about the internal state of the body. It could mean anything from our stomach growling when we are hungry, to our heart beating fast when we are anxious. It is the brain to body communication, bilateral in nature and different for everyone. Perhaps most interestingly, Interoception is key for regulating our emotions. Whether it be affective emotions like happiness or sadness, or homeostatic emotions represented by states of hunger or thirst — it is through interoceptive processes that we learn to connect to what our needs are in the moment.
Through co-writing a course on Interoception and through personal experience, I have come to discover more than I could have ever have imagined on how Interoception affects us all on an individual level. I have found that it is different for everyone, with everything from childhood trauma to a western-style diet affecting its process and interpretation. While my research with CNP has primarily focused on Interoception as it relates to our Diet-Mental Health Relationship, I have found it to stretch beyond to nearly every area of life. Learning about Interoception has piqued my interest in the different theories regarding how emotions arise in the body, and from this I have come to understand just how influential our body can be on our state of mind. More so than anything, learning about Interoception has made me acutely aware of how critical it is to look at issues from a “whole person” perspective. It has reminded me that we are all unique, complicated individuals that should not be defined by our problems. My internship has lead me to learn about how we can increase our Interoceptive Awareness, and in turn self-regulate correctly, giving us a better quality of life. Increasing our IA and learning how to connect to these emotions is key to understanding what we need in the moment, helping us to make conscious decisions, instead of falling into habitual and often self-sabotaging traps.
I’m not going to sit here and say I know everything about becoming a counselor or of being of service to others. I have a lot to learn, and a lot to grow through in my journey. What I do know is the importance of recognizing the different social constructs, environments, genetics, and trauma that impact different people. I believe that everyone needs individualized help — needs to be met where they are —within the context of a trusting relationship. Although my sights are set primarily on a niche where I can help individuals recover from eating disorders, I want to point out that I am also interested in helping the obese population. I believe that most issues regarding our dietary intake stem from an inability to correctly identify and regulate our emotions, and that the current treatment options for obese individuals are severely lacking in this aspect. I would also like to eventually incorporate the “whole person” perspective into my work by using my personal training certification. While exercise is definitely a controversial idea in the early stages of ED recovery, I do believe that there will come a point in an individual’s recovery where they value their health and want to take responsibility for themselves from an intrinsic perspective.
It is hard for me to sit here and tell you exactly what I want to do with my career as a counselor because I truly believe I will evolve with what I hope to learn through the Clinical Mental Health and Counseling Master’s program. I do know through the freedom I have found in recovery, that I am extremely passionate about health from a whole-person perspective. Never in my life have I felt as much energy, passion and deep respect for the future that I am aiming for. My experience with recovery and how it has shaped me is ineffable. I cannot put into words how much I have grown through my struggles, and although it may seem cliché, I am forever grateful for the issues that made me who I am today. I have such a deep, personal experience with the process of recovering from an eating disorder, that I believe helping others through counseling — and maybe more — is what I am meant to do. Helping others with their problems — letting them know they are not alone — is something I have always wanted to do, and it is only now that I am a bit older that I feel truly equipped to do so.
My goal is to go through your program with a focus on becoming an Eating Disorder Therapist (which I also believe is a form of addiction), but I am hoping the skills I learn through your program will enable me to help in other areas as well. Although this may be controversial to say — I do believe that I will one day go on to become a psychedelic-assisted therapist (emphasis on the term “assisted therapy”). I have been keeping up with the latest clinical trials, news and science by taking courses from Psychedelic Support. By the time I am done getting my master’s, and going through the process of becoming a licensed therapist, I know the job market for psychedelic-assisted therapy will be booming, particularly in the west where it is already taking off. However, I do want to emphasize that I am interested in this sort of therapy in a responsible way and that I do not believe it is for everyone.
I have big dreams that don’t end with a master’s program. I don’t know exactly where I will end up, but I am not worried about labeling myself too much at this point. I think that trying to place my identity in one construct has caused me many problems in the past and I have found I am happier and more productive when I take a fluid, yet purposeful approach to both life and my career. I could say so much more, but I am going to leave it here and cross my fingers for an interview. Thank you for taking the time to read, and I hope to hear from you soon!