I’ve noticed that the more blogs I write, the harder it gets. Which is kinda silly because it’s not like many people read them. It’s interesting to write about things that are so important to me though because it makes me incredibly transparent and honestly, it gives me this deep sense of self. It’s peaceful, and it energizes me all at the same time.
I have such a deep desire to be completely and genuinely myself.
Today I want to talk about eating disorders. Here, in this safe space where no one can interrupt me. I feel like this is an important topic since the New Year is in a couple of days, and I know that although people won’t publicly come out and say it, beating an eating disorder is likely high on some people’s lists as far as New Year resolutions go. At least, I know it used to be for me. So alas, here is my advice for why you should never give up on your health:
- First of all, stop blaming yourself. It’s damn near impossible that your eating disorder is completely your fault. There are too many factors that go into developing an eating disorder, and lots of the habits surrounding EDs stem from an inability to cope with the changes and world around you. It’s likely you have experienced some form of trauma that led you here, and before you look at your “pretty normal” upbringing and decide that isn’t it, remember that the degree of trauma in your life is not dependent on someone else’s hardships. You can’t compare what you think others have gone through with what you have faced because YOUR past affected you, not theirs. You are an incredibly unique individual and you are how you are for a reason. Whether it be something as small as idolizing the Olsen twins as a kid, to your childhood best friend’s mom who was always on a diet, to something greater that caused you to look for ways of control. Give up the act of blaming yourself because it isn’t going to help.
- Which brings me to my second point. Just because the habits and outlook you developed isn’t your fault, you still need to take responsibility for it. There is no one else that can help you get out of the negative mindset and unhealthy habits that surround food. You’re going to have to do it yourself, but that doesn’t mean you can’t have support. There are more people than you realize who are dealing with the exact same issues as you.
- At some point in recovery, you will realize that although other people are not aware of it, you don’t really know who you are. I think this is the most difficult part in some aspects because if you have an ED for a significant amount of time, you start to associate it with yourself and you don’t even realize it. After awhile, the need to control how your body looks really turns into a habit more than anything. When you decide to start making changes to this, your self schema will falter. It’s amazing how much energy it takes to worry about your body and how you look for so long. It can be incredibly draining, and when you’re not devoting so much thought to ED related things, you’ll realize that you have a lot of time on your hands. Time you may not know what to do with. That’s okay. You don’t have to figure it all out right now. Take it slow. Find out what interests you.
- Eating Disorders LOVE to isolate you. I don’t think there is one person out there with an ED that doesn’t feel extremely alone. Whether you’re surrounded by people, or sitting alone in your apartment, this aspect of an ED is one of the most detrimental. The paradox is that isolating yourself will likely bring back your ED habits. How do you combat this? Get social. Even if you’re alone at a coffee shop, being around people can be extremely beneficial and can help get you out of your own head. Also, try to socialize without the buffer of drugs and alcohol. You’d be surprised how nice it is to connect with others in a sober setting. It may feel awkward at first, but that’s okay. Being human is awkward in general sometimes, but the more you do it the easier it will get. Plus, a ton of awkward moments strung together is how you make real relationships. Trust me, you’ll be fine. Don’t write others off — you need them more than you realize. ALSO (this is important) take a look at the current relationships in your life. Is there someone who continually makes you feel bad about yourself? Do you keep running back to them because they reinforce how you feel about yourself? Be honest. Life gets a lot simpler when you let go of people that aren’t meant for you.
- Meet yourself where you are. You can’t do everything in one day. You need to focus on the good and adding in healthy habits to your life. Don’t just decided to do everything at one, because it will get overwhelming. Start with drinking more water, or going on a walk. You need to get the basics down first. Quality sleep is extremely important, and grossly overlooked.
- Learn to sit with your emotions and explore them. Become more reflective and less reactive. Consider why you are feeling the way you feel. Unpack what is happening in your brain and your life. Figure out what it is your ED is “helping you” cope with. If you don’t do the deep work and figure out why this all started, you won’t have a why to keep you going. Writing can be extremely beneficial here. If you’ve never journaled before, try it. Just start writing about anything. You’ll be surprised at what eventually spills out on to the paper.
- Learn some science! There is a lot more going on in your body than just calories. Recognize the impact that food has on the way you feel. There is a whole field of Psychology called Nutritional Psychology that unpacks how the food we eat literally makes the neurotransmitters in our brains. I know that there can be a lot of anxiety and depression that comes with having an eating disorder, but you can’t dispute the fact that what you eat affects how you feel. Realize that you can start feeling better mentally in a couple of days if you start fueling yourself properly.
- Understand that this isn’t all or nothing, and it never will be. Perfectionism is high on the trait list for those who are suffering with an eating disorder. Don’t think this applies to you? It can be tricky. Sometimes perfectionists don’t even get started with something because they’re too hard on themselves before they even begin. Or maybe they don’t even see the point starting something because they don’t believe in themselves enough. Recognize that you will slip up and you will catch yourself in a negative mindset often. Don’t fall into a trap where you messed up so you need to restart later. Life doesn’t restart. The world keeps spinning and it is important that you learn to live in the gray.
- Seek out resources! Like I said earlier, you are not alone. There are so many media channels out there of people who are in recovery and similar situations. There are a lot of testimonials from people who have been through what you’re going through and have lived to tell the tale. Visit the website edcatalogue.com or look up Rebecca Leung on youtube. Even if you’re stressed out about how much you ate that day, go watch a 10,000 calorie challenge on youtube. I know this sounds weird, but it can be really comforting to watch someone eat that much for fun, and realize that hey, guess what? It made no difference. Some of my other favs are Abbey Sharp’s youtube channel, @jessijeannn on IG, and the podcast Mind Pump Media. There are a lot of positive, helpful people out there on social media who are doing more than just showing you their best angles. Look out for them.
- Switch your focus. You need to switch your focus from how you look and feel now to how you want to feel. You need to look at the bigger picture. This can be really tricky because eating disorders love to lie to you. Recognize that you are not your eating disorder, and you can’t believe everything you think. Your eating disorder is straight up lying to you. Focus on being healthy and focus on the GOOD. Give yourself praise for little things because the little things you do will have a chain reaction. The little things will make the big things, trust me.
- And last but not least, don’t compare your recovery to anyone else. You have absolutely no idea what is going on in others lives. We live in an age where we see one little picture and think others have it all figured out. The truth is, no one knows exactly what they’re doing or what they want and we are all just doing our best. We are all adapting, never truly knowing what boundaries to push. You’re here on this planet to discover yourself and what makes you uniquely thrive. Don’t let comparison get in the way of living your life. It may take you longer to recover than someone else, and it may take you shorter. At the end of the day, their progress isn’t an indicator of yours.
And that’s it folks! I feel like I could honestly write a book on eating disorders. There is just so much to be said about such a complex topic. If anyone needs someone to talk to about this, please hit me up.
I’ve been there.