Ya know that hand soap from Mrs. Meyer’s Clean Day? It’s derived from plant ingredients and essential oils with scents like basil, rose and honey suckle. For years I would always get excited whenever I happened to be somewhere that had this soap. It always seemed like such a treat to wash my hands, and I’d find myself thinking, “Wow, I hope one day I’m the kind of person who buys this soap.”
I just always imagined the highest version of myself having this soap in her bathroom.
Well, the other day I bought the soap. It’s just so silly to me. All I had to do to be the type of person I wanted to be, was BE HER. I already was the type of person who would buy that soap, I just for some odd, dumb reason wasn’t letting myself.
There’s this quote by Neville Goddard that goes like this:
“You are already that which you want to be, and your refusal to believe this is the only reason you do not see it.”
It’s so ironic that we complicate things so much as humans when in reality it’s so simple. Our interest or desire to do something is enough, yet we talk ourselves out of it all the time with self doubt and what ifs. We question things we actually want because we don’t think we deserve them.
When I was growing up, there was part of a quote on my fridge by Marianne Williamson that went, “Who am I to be brilliant, gorgeous, talented, fabulous? Actually, who are you not to be?”
I think I need to trust what I want more. Sometimes I get idealistic, and I start making up all these wonderful daydreams in my head, and part of me is like, “Hmmm… don’t be silly. That isn’t very likely to play out the way you’re imagining it.” But there is this other, way bigger part of me that is beyond hopeful because why on earth couldn’t my deepest desires happen? Why can’t life be as simple as making a decision and sticking with it?
There’s this podcast from HiddenBrain about habits where they talk about how people with good habits have subconscious blockers on because they have already made their decision. Like in the instance of resisting cake, it’s easy because the cake isn’t even an option. They see it, but they don’t allow themselves to be on the fence about it. It’s the same thing as commitment. Like if you make a commitment to someone, you’re basically ruling out other options. You know there could be more eye catching options, but temptation isn’t even temptation because you’ve already decided.
Maybe life can be as easy as just making a decision. Just decide who you want to be, and then …
Go be her.
Simple.
So I know I recently wrote a blog post about how I need to work on my relationships, and I am both proud and hesitant to say that I have been doing just that. Which is kinda funny because I think it goes right back to the beginning of this blog, about letting ourselves have what we desire. It’s like in a way we’re scared to be too happy. But why? Because the happier we are the more potential we have to be sad? That’s just how being human goes.
What I was going to say is that working on the relationships in my life has done exactly what I thought it would do. It’s made everything else so much easier. It has made saying no to the tiny temptations—that are so much more than their face value—easier. It’s made it easier for me to slow down and ironically, think about the big picture. I don’t feel as scared about the future because I actually feel the type of connection I’ve been craving for so long. I feel a sense of belonging. And I don’t even know if it will last, but I’m okay with that because I’m just so grateful for it. I’ve said it before, but all of my problems really do seem to stem from being lonely, which is ironic because I often feel like in order to think or get my shit together, I need to isolate myself. And yes, it is extremely important to carve out that space for yourself, but if you don’t have connection to counteract it, then it’s meaningless. Which is interesting because it loops back to the whole contrast of being happy and sad. You can’t fully enjoy one without the other. How can you know what love is if you’ve never experienced heartbreak?
I’ve been reading this book called “How your unconscious mind rules your behavior” by Leonard Mlodinow and it’s seriously blowing my mind. There is this whole chapter on the fundamental role of human social character and how above all, we are a social species.
He talks about how “Scientists have discovered that social pain is also associated with a brain structure called the anterior cingulate cortex—the same structure involved in the emotional component of physical pain.” They even test this with an experiment that involves using Tylenol to buffer a broken heart. Highlighting the importance of what it means to be social, the ups and downs of it.
It’s no wonder that working on my relationships has had such a sweet effect in everything else that I do. I can’t even believe that 10 whole years ago, on this day I tried to kill myself.
I would have missed out on so much.
I’m just so happy that I’m here. I’m so grateful for my life. I wish I could bottle it up and give this feeling to anyone who is hurting. Reminding them that without the dark part of themself, there wouldn’t be any light.
I’m sorry if this didn’t make any sense. To be honest, I feel a little discombobulated. I feel happy and inspired, but at the same time unsure of how to handle the current emotions I’m feeling. It’s like I can’t explain it, I can only know it.
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