How do you define commitment?

This is too messy to write about. In fact, I kinda hate talking about it. It’s like, why does it have to be such a big deal? We all want it so badly without even knowing what it is. Shit, that’s likely why we want it.

I mean god, love is just so idealistic.

In reality, we all have these past relationships and internal memories that have shaped what we think it should be like. We base our opinions off of faulty truths and what we see in pictures, without even realizing how the small traumas in our lives have clouded our vision of what unconditional love actually is. We read quotes that build on the idea of “mad, passionate, extraordinary love.” Yet in the end, there will likely come a time when most of us want out. Like a wave that breaks, the peak will hit and we’ll eventually have to decide if all of this is worth it. We’ll wonder where this resentment came from. We’ll realize our sense of self is gone to a degree, we’ll wonder where our autonomy went. We might even realize that our insecurities are woven into this dependent relationship and be okay with it, because in a way the relationship is just a distraction that keeps us from facing ourselves. Maybe the relationship is just easy and we just don’t want to be alone. Maybe that’s okay for certain seasons in life, for certain people. Or maybe we’ll go through all of this, and if it all happens to keep up with itself at some unseen but important point, we just accept that this is how it is. That our identity is no longer our own, but part of a unit. Maybe people don’t think twice about these things. Maybe we’re supposed to end up with some form of cognitive dissonance that says, “Hey, this isn’t exactly what I want. But it’s worth it.”

What if we’re telling ourselves we’re in love because we’re lazy?

Although, this is coming from someone who isn’t in love. This is coming from someone who is realizing how cynical she might be. But maybe I’m a huge romantic at heart that’s been jaded. Maybe I have been in love and ya know what? I’m scared because I never want to be derailed like that again.

Love is a mindfuck. It’s like, it’s whatever you want it to be.

Regardless of whatever your current stance is on love, you can’t deny the fact that it holds hands with commitment—a term that seems to come in many different shades these days.

Let’s talk about dating apps. I’m going to be honest. I’m on the popular dating apps, and I have literally no intention of meeting anyone at this point. Like I tried, and it’s just incredibly overwhelming. Maybe saying this makes me a brat, but there are just too many options. It kinda makes me laugh because I saw this meme the other day that said, “I need a husband. I’m tired of telling 20 dudes how my day went.” Like, word. I don’t have time to have pointless conversations with people. But sometimes when boredom (or maybe.. hope?) strikes, I’ll scroll through, and something I’ve noticed a lot of is men who claim to be in open relationships. Sometimes I even wonder if exploring these would be a good option for me. Although I soon after realize that thinking like that is really just another way of me avoiding commitment. But it’s a weird thing to think about. Because okay, we can never truly belong to anyone can we? Like these open relationships are all about sex, aren’t they? Or are they about something more? Is it just deciding that one person isn’t going to be able to fulfill all of your needs. Is it actually unnatural that we ever thought that in the first place? Shit, how did we even start to think that in the first place?

Which kinda got me thinking … is being in an open relationship actually the ULTIMATE commitment? Because you’re so committed to someone that even exploring another person, both sexually and emotionally, isn’t able to waver you from the choice you made to be with that one person. Is it a test of your temperance to actually be able to indulge a little bit? Because at the end of the day, honeymoon phases end and you’re going to have to choose that one person each and every day for the rest of your life anyway. Are open relationships purely living in the gray, a practice of detachment? Or are they just indulgent?

I don’t know. Once again, individual variance reigns above all else. What’s right for one person is wrong for the next. And sure, maybe this Instagram, Hollywood version of love is idealistic, but maybe it all is. I mean open relationships seem idealistic as well, right? Like yeah, at some point, it might be nice. But where do we draw the line? The truth of the matter is that human beings are highly emotional people, and what we are basing those emotions off is our own perception, which is actually hugely inaccurate most of the time. It’s got to take either some highly intelligent communicators to be in an open relationship. Either that, or they’re on the other side of the spectrum, detached.

Who really knows. Honestly, it’s all whatever you want it to be, and I’m getting way too deeply into this. There is something about writing that causes you to really look at things from all angles, but honestly if you want what you’re writing to be effective, you need to leave some of those angles out. So forgive me for all these half developed ideas, but really there is no right answer.

Anyway, back to commitment. There are a couple of things that got me thinking about this. First of all, when people comment on or like the gym pics of me that are on my dating profiles. Like yes, they are a bit self-absorbed… I guess. But really the gym is just a very important part of my life, and I need who ever I’m even considering to also care about their health. It’s fucked up though because in some instances, my thoughts automatically go to, “Oh, this dude just wants to have sex with me.” Which let’s be real, is probably accurate. But to think that is to completely ignore the fact that when you see that someone works out regularly and prioritizes their health, it’s more than just about how they look. The reason going to the gym is so attractive is because of the values underneath the action—the commitment and sacrifice. 

The more I ponder commitment, the more this well known idiomatic proverb repeats in my mind:

You can’t have your cake and eat it too.

It’s funny. I’ve had my cake and ate it too, but it’s always come with a price that was never quite worth it. 

Like during my past eating disorder, when I’ve eaten something and thrown it up. Is that not eating your cake and having it too? I mean forget it being incredibly literal, doing that to yourself is literally a mind fuck to the reward system in your brain. It’s like telling yourself you can have both things. You can fulfill your desires and then you can suffer “no” consequences. Or when you cheat on someone you’re in a monogamous relationship with and they never find out. That’s eating your cake and having it too, only it’s quite likely that action on your part will change the trajectory of your relationship, not to mention how you see yourself.

I guess that’s why commitment is such a praise-worthy value. It sets up healthy boundaries — it’s a practice of focus. It’s a decision you make before things get hard. It’s like putting on subconscious blinders, taking extraneous details out of the mix. Commitment to someone or something builds upon itself. If you do it right, it gets more valuable over time.

Do you like how I went from one end to the other? Honestly, this is all whatever you decide it is. Can someone tell me what the truth is? Do you have to explore it all before you know for yourself?

I don’t have the answers, that much is obvious. And there is too much to unpack here — I don’t know why I even tried.

Also, I’m going on a date tomorrow. I guess that’s where this got me.