When I was a freshman in college, I had this psychology professor that told the class how much he absolutely despised studying, which is why he was so good at it. He taught himself to become efficient at something he didn’t like doing, so that he could spend less time on it.
As a senior in college I took an Ethics in Advertising class where the professor gave us all a list of intrinsic values, and another list of extrinsic values. There were 18 values on each list, and we had to number them in order of what was important to us. I have redone that list many times the last couple of years in my quest to figure out who I am. For some reason, the intrinsic values were always more important than the extrinsic values to me, and number one was always self control. I thought if I could just master self control, I could become the person I wanted to be. I knew I would have more time to do the things that I know are important, versus being inefficient in everything I do and therefore making everything take longer than it should.
There are two interviews I really dig from the podcast Mind Pump. I have listened to them both several times, and as someone who is extremely reflective, I find it interesting that they embody the same concept in different ways, from two very different people.
The first one is episode 1020 where they interview a former monk named Dandapani. He talks about understanding how the mind works — not neuroscience or anything, but about our awareness. How “energy flows where attention goes.” He places an importance on the power of concentration, and talks about how it’s a skill we should practice by only doing one thing at a time. One of my favorite points he makes concerning technology is that our phones aren’t the problem. Our problem is our inability to self regulate ourselves with our phones. At first this strikes me as having self control, but honestly it goes much deeper. It really comes down to personal integrity. Having an intrinsic desire to be the best, most morally sound version of yourself. For me, this includes being honest with myself and calling myself out when I start to make bullshit excuses that don’t align with the type of person I want to be, while also showing myself grace and keeping in mind that there is no end goal to my values. Especially because things happen over time and I get better over time. Giving myself room and time to grow into who I want to be, and meeting myself where I’m at in certain areas.
He also talks about the three lines that are drawn on his head, coming from his time in the monastery and his specific sect. The first line represents the ego, and how we should strive to cultivate a positive one. The second line is for karma, not only considering what happens to you, but also the way in which you respond. It’s two parts — action and reaction. The third line symbolizes delusion, and in that respect priorities — remembering what is important to you — your values, and acting accordingly.
Dandapani also answers the question, “What is enlightenment?” He mentions that there can be more than one answer to this, but that in the philosophy he prescribes to, one term is called self realization, that “through deep meditation I realize that God and me are one in the same being.” Defining God as pure intelligent energy permeating everything. That realizing you are one with that energy — that’s one aspect towards self realization, aka enlightenment.
I can’t tell you how warm this idea makes me feel. I’m not saying that I am an enlightened being, but what I do know is that I have been meditating for a measly 15 minutes every morning for the past year and a half or so. And at one point I realized through meditation how eternally grateful I was for everything that had gotten me to where I was. Every single circumstance or force, whether it be internal or external, positive or negative. And when I realized that the gratitude I felt was love, and that I was loving God or the cosmos or whatever version of God that you can relate to… I realized I was loving myself because I was the one creating everything the entire time. I tear up even writing that because I’m not sure if it is going to make sense to anyone, and I can’t convey how important it is to me.
The last point I want to mention from Dandapani is “making the case.” Why is all of this so important? Why is it important to learn how to concentrate and learn how to reign in your attention and therefore you awareness? It’s because when we think about the things that make us happy, it’s always being present that makes it all worth anything. Being happy is a byproduct of being present when you’re doing those things that bring you said happiness. And through being present you can fully learn to appreciate those things. It’s beautiful.
(Sidenote from my brain — fuck, it’s kinda scary too. To be so present and fully connected, to not hide under distractions. So vulnerable. Anyway. )
The second interview Mind Pump did (episode 1140) that I find myself returning to (though not quite as often because it’s newer) is with Nir Eyal, the author of two books — Hooked, and Indistractable.
Indistractable. As Nir mentions, it sounds like a super power, and is another characteristic that comes down to personal integrity. A majority of this interview focuses on social media and digital distractions, which makes sense in this day and age because those are by far the biggest distractions our generation faces.
Personally, I’ve gone through countless phases with social media. If you know me, you know I always have a story and am very active on Instagram — but at the same time I’m notorious when it comes to deactivating my account. I even deleted my entire IG for a several months a couple of years ago because I knew I was spending too much time on it. I really thought it was the only way for me to excel in other areas of my life. What I didn’t realize is that distraction has always been around. When I don’t have IG, I’m on Tumblr or Youtube more. Even reading, a hobby thought to be healthy can be unhealthy when you’re using it to avoid something. There is always a new way to be distracted, and that’s why Nir points out that it’s so important to be intentional with your actions. To have a plan for yourself, where you know what you’re trying to accomplish and why. To remember what your values are.
But what even are values? In one of my favorite articles in the world from the magazine, PsychologyToday, they have an article called “10 Signs You Know What Matters.” I have wrinkled and torn and underlined this article to an intense point. Throughout this article, they define values as, “an inexhaustible source of motivation—inexhaustible because they are qualities intrinsic to being and doing.” It also mentions that “it can be helpful to think of values as an extension of your narrative, because they create the theme.”
“Values set the direction of our life path. If we wander into avoidance and self-aggrandizement, we’re heading away from our chosen meaning.”
What I’m getting at here is that our values help determine the meaning of our life, and it’s exciting because they are unique to us. We get to choose our values. But when we are constantly distracted and don’t allow ourselves the room to focus and find gratitude in the tiny things, then we just live on auto and don’t create the life we want.
Sorry, that was a semi-tangent. Back to Nir.
Nir also talks about what it means to be distracted — to do something against our best interest, and what the opposite of that is. Which isn’t exactly focus. The opposite of distraction is actually traction — going towards what we want to accomplish. It’s so interesting to me because I use to really blame all these other things for why I couldn’t concentrate, and while I was proud of myself for being aware of my issues, I never really took responsibility for my actions, another topic Nir hits on. How when we tell ourselves that it’s not our fault, it’s the technologies fault and IG’s fault and blah blah blah, we’re not helping ourselves. Instead we’re just buying into the idea of learned helplessness, which is to say that we have no control of the issue when we absolutely do. I love how he mentions that technology and social media isn’t going anywhere. And why would we want it to? There may be some bad that comes with the territory, but only if you let it. I used to blame technology because it was easier, but then I realized the issue was me. When I started recognizing all the beautiful aspects of it, I understood how much connection I found through it all. I’ve met, talked and even hungout with people who inspire me the most, I know what my sister is doing everyday, and I even communicate with people I look up to ( like Mind Pump). Shit, I’ve even been put on the list through a sold out Dirty Heads concert from Dirty J himself just because I dm’d him and straight up asked. It’s a beautiful thing, but like everything good, it needs to have it’s restraints and only I can be the one to enforce them. Not only with social media, but with every distraction.
Nir’s interview is beautiful because he isn’t the type to just look at one side of an argument, and Mind Pump isn’t either. As Nir states, “I don’t need the sensationalists. I want the people who want both sides, and can make up their own minds.”
Honestly, there is so much more to these two interviews than I could ever write, because the effects of everything I just said — the importance of both practicing concentration, and taking personal responsibility for what it is you want to accomplish, becoming indistractable for your own best interests — these are the tools that enable you to live a fuller life and in that sense make a contribution in whatever way that’s important to you. You can’t pour from an empty cup and if there is one thing I have learned and will forever be working towards, it’s that by going forward in the pursuit of those values I hold close to me, without an end goal in mind, I can create the life I crave. But in order to do that I need to be honest with myself and be intentional about what noise I let into my life.
Basically, I am full of thoughts, this is part of just why you guys see me so obsessed with Mind Pump, and I am fucking trying. I am also happy!
Ayyyyyyye. Holla.
Melissa November 12, 2019
I like that your mom believes that you can set a good table. Displays sentiment to family values.