I am definitely a person that writes down goals. I make list after list and I overwhelm myself sometimes to the point where I’m not quite sure what’s working and what isn’t. I always make a daily list that includes my goals for that day, and I often pull out this huge sketch book I have and get to work on mapping out my life and deciding what to tackle in each specific area. Career, health & wellness, love life, relationships, spirituality, money management — I get specific as fuck. I don’t even know if that’s the best way to go about things, and it seems silly to even talk about it because when I look at myself in a third person sense — I feel like it doesn’t appear that I’m working on much. Like by society’s measure of success, it feels like I wouldn’t quite add up.
And yeah, I can take a step back and make myself feel better by comparing myself to someone who appears to be worse off. Or I can do a 180 and compare myself to someone that seems to have it all together, without taking into consideration all the advantages or disadvantages that exist.
That isn’t what this is about though. That’s never going to be what my life is about.
What happens when I measure success differently than what meets the immediate eye? What happens if the improvements I am trying to make to my life aren’t things you can measure in money, promotions, pictures, weight loss, muscle gain, followers or clout?
What if I’m working on things behind closed doors? Bad habits of my own that people don’t realize even exist. Or even if they do, maybe they don’t know how bothered I am by them. What if I am holding myself to a completely different standard? Not better or worse, just different.
ANYWAY. Earlier this week I threw up a list of goals on my IG story.
- Start day by reading Indistractable by Nir Eyal
- Don’t check phone during liminal moments (i.e. in the elevator, walking to work)
- Focus on high quality meals, not snacks
- Don’t go overboard at Casa Borrega Party
- Volunteer with ESL students at least one day
- Prioritize mobility
*Liminal moments are transitions from one thing to another throughout our days.
Obviously, I’m not going to jump into each and every goal and tell you how I did because there’s a high chance I’m already boring you. But last night, I started looking at these goals and considering whether I had passed or failed to my own standard, and I realized something.
Instead of passively looking back at whether my actions aligned with my intentions this past week, I needed to figure out exactly why they weren’t aligning, and then figure out the solution for improving.
Like why did I catch myself walking to work and texting people back, checking my email, or hopping on IG for a quick story? Why was it hard for me to prioritize making balanced, healthy meals (particularly at the end of the day) instead of grabbing an Rx bar and other random shit that left me unsatisfied and going back for more?
When I think about these questions, the answers lead me to the root cause of my problems. Why do I check my phone when I’m walking even though I told myself I wouldn’t? Because the goal doesn’t seem important, I’m all the sudden anxious about something, I feel a pull to respond to someone I don’t care about concerning NOTHING, I’m avoiding someone in real life, I’m being impatient about a song change, it all the sudden seems hella important to know if that one specific person saw my story.
Why is it hard for me to make a nutrient dense meal at night instead of grabbing something easy? Is it because I have all my other meals planned and dinner is always up in the air? Or because there is this small anxiety about the kitchen I share with my two roommates, and I don’t want to be in the way. Is my relationship with food still suffering? What is going on?
Why am I making it harder on myself in the long run by making it easier on myself in the moment? What am I skirting around?
It sounds cliche because it is cliche, but I needed to remember my why. Otherwise there is no fucking point to any of this. I need to make the case for myself, because these habits of mine that I’m trying to build aren’t just about the habit. They’re about more.
It’s important for me to not be on my phone during liminal moments because it helps me detach, reflect and focus. It helps build patience. It encourages me to notice how blue the sky is. It gets me into my own proactive state of mind, instead of a purely reactive one. It shows me that my small amount of anxiety is for nothing. It encourages me to smile at strangers, to keep my eye on the sketchy hobos.
It’s important for me to focus on high quality nutrient dense meals because it helps me show up better in my world. It forces me to exercise patience at the end of the day. To take a boring task and get creative with it. To reach out to friends and see if they want to make dinner and connect. To get over that childhood feeling and remind myself that I’m not in the way — that I belong.
And if making progress in what might seem like a tiny area of my life seems silly to someone else, or if they can’t see the improvements I’m making because they aren’t always tangible…
Well I really don’t care. I’m doing this for me.