Themes of 2020

I know 2020 hasn’t been everyone’s year, but for me it’s been more than I could ever hope for. I can’t even wish I was a tiny bit different. Notice I say “I” and not “it.”

Sometimes I think about the ways in which I could be better, and where I would be today if I just hadn’t wasted so much time and energy. Honestly though, it’s pointless to think about those things. Esp because sometimes in order to figure out what you do want, you have to know for sure what you don’t want. And most of the time , you can only gain that type of clarity through experiencing it first-hand.

I mean, I guess there are lessons that I wish I had the wisdom to just accept without having to make them my reality. But at the same time, I think I’m happier that I even tried, or took certain “bad” experiences that far. Who wants to live their lives through someone else’s point of view? Sounds pretty boring if you ask me.

Right now though — I’m just grateful for it all. Because if I was better in any way, if I had learned lessons sooner, then there is a slight chance that things could be vastly different than they are now. And I’m really enjoying myself right now to be honest. I know things aren’t perfect. Far from it. But for the first time in my life — and this isn’t to be dramatic — it just feels worth it. I feel like for the first time there are things that I’m working towards that I actually want.

I even think I’ve come to terms with my existentialism, which I’m going to write about in my next blog.

Anyway, these are the major themes of 2020 for me. I’d call them lessons, but to be honest I don’t think I’m done learning them.

1. Don’t judge another’s experience. Being a human is odd. It’s like we’re all little universes and no matter how in love we are with another person, be that romantic or platonic, we can never completely get in their head. We all live in such different realities. We all have these beliefs and experiences that we have evolved from and because of that we tend to layer our experience on top of another’s communication. Honestly, most people aren’t even listening to others talk. They’e just trying to figure out how it affects them. I don’t know — I think this theme really developed for me when I went to Peru and drank Ayahuasca. I know — I’m kinda rolling my eyes too honestly. The thing is, I didn’t throw up when I drank Ayahuasca. This is going to sound kinda silly, but at first, there was this part of me that was upset with myself for not throwing up, because they say that’s when you enter into a truly different dimension. Purging is what unlocks a deeper trip. But as I was tripping and going through my journey, stressed out about the fact that “omg I need to throw up,” I instead decided that maybe I should just take my expectation of needing that out of the equation and enjoy what is available to me without forcing my way into it. And when I took that judgement away from myself, I also took it away from other people. It sunk in that we all are ready for different lessons and experiences at different points. And that’s okay. Someone else’s experience or success or failure isn’t a good or bad thing. Other people really have nothing to do with me. If anything, I think part of my job as a human is to create a container for other people to just be themselves without needing to be something. And through that, with love and support of whatever stage someone is in — well that’s how people grow best.

It’s even evident in social media how different our realities are. Have you ever watched someone scroll through their explore page on Instagram? It’s shocking how different it is. When I’m on Instagram, my explore page is all fitness related. It’s a bore. When my boyfriend is on social media, all of his explore page is like…”the dark side of nature.” We’re just being fed more things that we already agree with. It’s the same in the political sphere. People are just being fed information they already agree with, and most are lacking to even consider the other side.

Everyone is doing the best they can within the limited awareness that they have. I can’t judge another’s experience, and that feels good.

2. The second theme of this year for me has been “not judging myself for the things that make me human.” Making space for my humanity. Honestly, I can’t go into detail on this — well I could, but it would take a long time — so just believe me when I say that I’ve been through psuedo-heart break this year. It wasn’t even real. When my bf moved across the country, I didn’t know what was going to happen, and I still don’t, but at one point I was upset with myself for even allowing myself to get close to someone that I knew was going to leave. I mean he told me from day one that he was moving. How could I have been so dumb as to let myself fall in love? Then I realized that it was actually beautiful. I mean excuse me for being human. For having feelings. For doing anything to have that one feeling that we search our whole lives for.

Even when it comes to my diet. I used to get mad at myself for eating things I shouldn’t. For not being perfect. It’s just so funny to me now. Like of course I want something sweet sometimes, of course I over-eat sometimes. Of course I overindulge in alcohol sometimes. Everyone does. It’s not a big deal. Learning to show myself that grace has been the biggest game changer for me.

It’s interesting being a human isn’t it? When I drank Ayahuasca, I felt so much love for everyone. I had this idea of how I just wanted to take everyone that I love and put them in a room. And then go off and become the greatest possible version of myself as an act of love for them. I wanted to build something amazing with my love for them as a source. I wanted to do everything I could for them and then come back to the room and tell them, “Look. I did all of this for you. I worked so hard to become the best version of myself because I love you so much it hurts.” It makes me want to cry. Because that’s what love does. It makes you want to do everything in your power to be better. You understand that the world needs you to be the best possible version of yourself. The world needs you. The people you love need you. There’s a healing aspect to it that radiates out.

“What’s good for the bee is good for the hive.” -Marcus Aurelius

Recently my friend smoked a toad. Apparently, it’s like the most concentrated form of DMT. When I visited him in Cali, I told him that I felt like I belonged when I was around him. Like I feel connected. At first he thought that I meant I belonged to him, but that’s not at all what I meant.

When he told me about his toad experience, he mentioned this “feeling of unity.” I’ve written about his before, but there was this dude named Bucky that had this vision when he drank Ayahuasca. He mentioned how one day when we die, our spirits will go on without us, and it will be this sense of unity. But he also mentioned how we will miss our human bodies, these boundaries.

It just stings so much for me to think about. Like I have mascara running down my face as I write this. Because I just feel like as humans we are all searching for this feeling of love. Of belonging. Of unity. And when we die, we’re going to have it. So how sad is it that we can’t be grateful for all the pain and suffering that we’re dealing with now? Because one day we’ll be dead and we will miss this shit. We’ll miss all the boundaries we have. The boundaries that allow us to kiss and to eat and to experience life.

It’s like we’re all trying to get to the feeling of death. Where our ego dissolves. Where we don’t have this human suffering. But the suffering is the best part. It carves a deeper hole that we can fit more love inside.

It’s like how I thought my ex breaking my heart was a bad thing. It was actually the best thing that ever happened because it allowed me to love so much more.

It’s funny though. Even realizing that, knowing for sure that I should enjoy this — I feel guilty. I kinda think that guilt is just another part of the human condition.

3. The last theme of this year has been the idea of surrender. This idea first made a dent in my brain when I read Ryan Holiday’s book, Stillness is the Way. He talked about Alcoholics Anonymous, and how there is a religious aspect to it. Not so much because believing in God is important, but because it’s important to recognize that you’re not in control. You never were.

Sometimes I think about where my future is going — my career and what I want from it. How much money I’ll make, how fulfilled I will be. Those questions stress me out because truth be told, the answer depends. It depends on how much work I put into it. How much time. How well I can cultivate my attention towards what I believe is meaningful. When I get too myopic about it, I really start to feel this sense of dread. Like maybe everything I am striving towards won’t happen. It’s terrifying.

Yet from that sense of dread, I realize that all I can really do is surrender. I may not know what’s going to happen, and I may not be able to control things outside of myself. But I can trust the signs that I am getting. I can trust the unity I feel from certain events and people who have come into my life.

It’s funny. We really are little Gods. Like me looking for signs that I am on the right track is really just me searching for a sign from myself. Because I’m the one deciding those things.

Yesterday, I had a lull in my day where I wasn’t really being productive. I started fiddling around on my computer and I came across pictures of me and my ex. To be honest, I felt really grossed out by those pictures. My disgust didn’t really have anything to do with him though. It came from thoughts of myself back when I was “dating” him. My spirit was so divided at that time. I was so loyal and locked in on someone who clearly didn’t want me. I was trying to control something I had no control over. I couldn’t just release it because I was scared of loosing it. In the words of Ryan Holiday’s other book, Ego is the Enemy, I was “killing what I loved because I couldn’t bear to part with it.”

When I talked to my current bf on the phone about this, I realized I didn’t exactly know what I was trying to tell him. It was only today on my morning walk that I realized.

I realized that the reason I love him is because he hasn’t taken advantage of my love. He appreciates it, and it enables me to love him even more. It opens up something inside of my soul. I cried yesterday when I realized this because our relationship hasn’t been the easiest with him moving, and to be honest, the whole thing is pretty insane to me. But the thing is, what I realize now from looking at my past relationship… is if i have to try to control it (esp if the insane way I attempt to control it is through worrying) then it isn’t really mine.

Like if I have to convince someone to love me, then I don’t want it. The thing that makes true love special in the first place is void of that persuasion.

Huh. Writing that out cleared it up for me. If I feel like my words or actions in a relationship are coming from a place of manipulation — of trying to convince someone to love me — then I don’t want it. The only love I want is the one that’s bigger than me.

And to circle back to the idea of surrender — I can’t control how someone feels about me. I can’t control if he wants me. So there’s no point in worrying about it. All I can do is trust that I’ll be taken care of if I do what aligns with my values. Whether it be about my career, relationship, or any other area of my life.