I don’t know why, or how we got on the subject, but a few years ago my mom told me that as a child I was “independent and loyal.” Ever since she said that, I feel like I started to embody those qualities more and more. Or rather, I owned up to them. It’s like before all of the false stories clouded my vision of who I am, that’s who I have always been at the core. It makes sense that those two qualities are what is going to make me the happiest because they are me on an innate level.
I feel my best when I am those two things. And I don’t mean independent like I don’t accept help. I mean it more in a think for myself type of way. Almost like a zen nature — disregarding anything that isn’t absolutely true. Stripped to the essentials of what I actually need, which is myself.
I don’t date a lot of people. I never really have. I’m just not interested in most where I care to be a part of their world, or think the effort is worth it to have them in mine. I don’t mean that in a bad way. I just mean that I am selective, and value deep relationships rather than superficial ones. Especially when it comes to men. But when I do fall in love, I’m very much a tunnel vision type person. I can make a decision about someone and stick to it. It’s not hard. I don’t feel tempted by others. That’s just how it is.
There have really only been two people that have gotten my heart like that. The first, I was loyal to a fault. I should have let go sooner, but that’s okay. It broke something very deep within myself, and I still think about it.
The second, is my current situation. But it’s difficult. It’s long distance, and I understand that the term boyfriend and girlfriend are loose. I don’t resent that. I can rationalize it pretty well.
So this little post is just to talk about my thoughts on long distance relationships. I don’t even know where to start. I guess I’ll just go stream of conscious like usual.
From an evolutionary perspective, men are not as selective as women when it comes to mating. It makes sense. Women go through a lot when they’re pregnant. They need someone that they can depend on. Men on the other hand, have more of an innate desire to spread their seed, and reproduce. It’s kinda the point of life, or rather it used to be.
I’m all for gender equality, and I believe that as we evolve, we get more similar. Women are taking on roles these days that they just didn’t back in the day. But I can’t deny the fact that there are some pretty basic differences between women and men. And I think that men feel that pressure, kinda in an alpha male dominant type way. I mean, we live in hierarchies.
In my head sex is kinda a primal thing for men. I am in no way saying that they shouldn’t take responsibility for it. But I just don’t think sex means the same thing for women and men. Granted, I can really only speak for my own feelings towards it. My heart and soul considers it really sacred to be honest. But my head kinda knows better.
Because sex really isn’t that big of a deal. Sometimes it really is just primal. Sometimes people just need to feel that someone wants them. It’s important to feel desired. I get that. Life is lonely.
Plus, I feel like I could have sex at a drop of a hat. I think most women could. Sex is really powerful, and it makes women really powerful because we are the selective ones. I don’t know if this is controversial to say, but women have leverage. We get to reject people. I’m not so sure it’s as easy for most men.
In Scandinavia, the system they raise their kids in is focused on providing equal opportunities to both men and women. They try not to categorize women as nurses and men as engineers, but the funny thing is, raised in an environment like that actually caused the women to chose more traditionally women career paths, and men to chose more traditionally men paths. It’s like we cant really escape the basic truisms of gender differences.
I don’t mean to sounds so cookie cutter, or white picket fence. And this isn’t including the whole spectrum of sexual orientation or anything. This is just from my experience. This is just me trying to connect dots.
There’s also all of these studies on birth control about how women who aren’t on a contraceptive are more likely to find rugged men more attractive. So much so that when they get off the pill and to try to conceive with their partner, it can cause issues in their relationship. There are also studies on men and how they are more attracted to women who aren’t on the pill.
I’m not on any sort of birth control, and I am definitely attracted to a more manly type of dude. But what is it that I consider manly? I think to be manly means to take risks and to be raw. To be adventurous. And as I get older, that includes taking responsibility for oneself. It’s like being a man is so attractive, because it’s different from what I am as a woman. I mean, it’s not like I am going to stay in the house all day. I want to have adventures too, but I have to be more careful. Even just walking down the street —that’s just how it is. It’s kinda weird. It’s almost like I’m jealous of men in a way. Or rather, that I look up to them because I feel like they just are themselves. Women are so complicated and conditioned to have all of these false layers in a way.
It’s funny, one day when I was walking past a group of men in New Orleans, I had this thought. About how confused I am on men. Because the same type of person (men) that I am supposed to find some sort of psychological safety (love) in is the same person that can hurt me. It’s the same type of person that can hurt me on the street. It’s weird, I really look up to men. I really look up to men that take responsibility for themselves. I love good men. I don’t mean pushovers or anything. I don’t know how to explain it.
So in the terms of a long distance relationship, do I want a dude who is willing to wait for me? Yes. I do want that. Because I really want to believe in some insane type of love. I can’t help it. There is a deep part of me that believes in that. And I refuse not to. If I get to decide what’s real and what’s not real, then I’m choosing true love.
But humans are humans. And most people do not think as intrinsically as I do. Even me thinking this way, has taken my whole life. I’ve had to come to these conclusions through many painful discussions with myself. And the parts of being a man, the things I find attractive about men, what I love so much about men — are those qualities that are different from me.
The freedom, the spirit.
So I am confused. Because I know what I want, but I understand the underlying… things.
And the thing is, I don’t love this person because he is mine. That’s not right at all. I love him because he is him. He is his own person, and I can’t control him. And I love him for that. I want him to feel wanted, and I want him to feel free. I really want him to be happy.
I’m so ridiculous. Why do I have to think so deeply about shit? It just sucks that there is no answer to this. I don’t know if me thinking all of this is just me trying to soften the blow from when he moves on. Just rationalizing it away.
Sometimes I think about kids, and like, having children isn’t something that I’ve ever put a lot of thought into. I have so much to figure out before I even put myself in that situation hypothetically to be honest. But sometimes I wonder if I do want that. I can’t deny the fact that there would be deep meaning in having my own family. That’s a given. And I’m attracted to that meaning.
But I say I don’t care because I don’t think I do. I think there are other more important things, and I feel like I will be okay if that happens, and okay if it doesn’t. I just wonder if that is a cop out though. What if I really do want kids, and I’m just deeply terrified that I will never have that? That I will never even have the chance? I mean is that what I am doing by writing all of the above anyway? Is me dishing out all of the deeper issues of love me being terrified that what I actually want doesn’t exist, or won’t exist for me?
Like I said, there are just no right answers. And to be honest, it kinda aches inside me that there isn’t. There is nothing I can do. I can’t control it. All I can do is control and love myself. The only thing I get to choose at the end of the day is ultimately me.
And to be honest, I’m not even on his radar probably. Like he is in a new state, staying busy in the midst of Covid, and trying to make something out of his future. He’s not thinking about me or love.
Who knows, maybe one day I will read all of this back and just laugh. Or maybe I’ll cry.
To be honest, this really just scratches the surface. And maybe I am too much, maybe when I send this to him it will freak him out. I kinda just feel calm though. I know in the deepest part of me, that I’m going to be just fine either way.
I really believe that what is meant for me is mine. All I really need to do is surrender to that.